I have started and stopped mid-sentence several times while writing this because I'm so overcome with grief, pain, and weariness. I want to make something clear, whatever I publish on this platform will always be genuine and written with intent but make no mistake, I am NOT THE WOMAN to make anyone feel comfortable at my expense. So with that, I want to share my experience over the past weeks and how I feel right now.
George Floyd, a black man, was murdered after being handcuffed and pinned to the ground by the knee of Derek Chauvin, a white police officer. Mr. Floyd repeatedly said, "I can't breathe," yet Mr.Chauvin continued to hold his knee on the neck of Mr.Floyd for at least 8 minutes, restricting his trachea in the process. I won't be inserting the video or the photo of Mr.Floyd transitioning because he deserves way better than that. Since this footage circulated, additional footage was released of several officers abusing Mr.Floyd inside a police truck before pinning him on the grounds. For a second, it was first reported that the police were called on Mr.Floyd for writing a bad check, but it was reported it was actually a $20 bill the cashier believed to be fake and thus called the police. How a counterfeit $20 bill leads to the loss of a beloved man of his community and a broken family will never be justifiable. Never.
Since Mr.Floyd's death, there have been many protests, marches, and riots and rightfully so. People are hurt, angry, and TIRED OF BEING TRAUMATIZED. Ever since black people stepped foot on European and American soil, we have had a knee on our necks, and we can't take it anymore. Black people were enslaved in the U.K. prior to settlers coming over here and claiming land that did not belong to them as their own so, by the time the colonies were established, slavery was already embedded in the fabric of American society.
Black people started with an unequal playing field and were seen as objects that were not worthy of humanity in a society built on systemic racism and oppression. I'm not going to recount the entirety of the gross atrocities and crimes committed against black people in the United States because this isn't a history lesson, but let's be very clear, no white person would voluntarily switch places with one of us. In fact, I don't think they could take it. The amount of trauma we have inherited from our ancestors and still continue to experience to this day would tear them the fuck apart. And yeah, people try to pacify this by saying we are a "resilient" and "strong" group of people, but quite honestly, we are tired of being strong.
We are tired of having to take it and take it because this is how the system is. We are tired of having to be the change we want to see. We are tired of peacefully protesting. We are tired of trying to live our lives as best we can AND STILL being judged, harassed, and murdered for just being black. We are tired of being discriminated against. We are tired of microaggressions we encounter against any kind of "black" the majority finds unacceptable. We are tired of not being allotted the space or energy to mad. We are tired of hashtags. We are tired of racist Tik Toks, and memes making fun of black death. We are tired of hearing about murders we don't even know about due to a lack of media coverage.
We are tired of other people expecting us to be happy with the bare minimum – after four days, the Minneapolis police department finally arrested the officer who murdered Mr.Floyd and charged him with third-degree murder and manslaughter because the video showed a "lack of intent" to kill and Mr.Floyd had "underlying conditions." Kneeling on the windpipe of a man who pleads with you that he can't breathe seems like an intent to kill to me? We are tired of seeing murderers dressed as police officers get arrested and, if they even make it to trial, get a slap on the wrist. We are tired of being the only people fighting for us. We are tired of the silence from white people whose privilege gives them the luxury of living their daily lives. We are tired of other people thinking they have the space to tell us how to react to OUR PAIN. We are tired of being blamed for other people's negligence. We are tired of affluent people looking down on us, even other black people. We are tired of trying to explain that black on black crime is not real. We are tired of having to educate other people on how to be decent fuking human beings.
We are tired of giving and not receiving from people who use and abuse our culture as a drug. We are tired of a government actively passing laws to keep us disenfranchised. We are tired of being expected to trust the police who are the first to accuse us and treat us as criminals. We are tired of crying. We are tired of knowing that our lives have never been valued as much as others and having to continue on as normal. We are tired of asking to be treated with decency, empathy, and respect. We are tired of having to beg for an ounce of humanity. We are tired, fucking exhausted, truly.
We endure, and we endure because we feel like deep down one-day things will change for the better for us, but my opinion is this – nothing will change until other white people, especially those in positions of power begin to TRULY act as allies to dismantle a system that was built for us not to prosper in, to begin with. This capitalist county cares more about a Target being looted than about black people dying at the hand s of the police. Nothing will change until these corporations who run the society, yes the Amazons, Googles, CVSHealth, Exxon, JPMorgan & Chase's of the world finally begin to stand in solidarity with oppressed people. Let's face it, money talks. Imagine how quickly things could change in this country if big businesses put their morality and money where their tweets and press releases are and do real work. I'm seeing a lot of solidarity social media posts and not enough accountability from these companies. To touch on the looting going on, I don't care about any of that. I don't care about damaged property on insured buildings from billion-dollar corporations who gladly take black dollars but never stand for black issues. I don't care about the product being taken from a clothing store that has repeatedly designed clothing inspired by racist caricatures of black people and golliwogs. I don't care about buildings being built by slaves/and or where slaves were auctioned off as property being burned. I don't care about police vehicles being burned when the U.S. government pours money into weaponizing and stockpiling police departments to terrorize communities of color disproportionately. How a government can have its officers dressed like Iron man but not enough PPE for hospitals and clinic personnel is BEYOND ME. These things can be replaced but black lives cannot. Now, I don't endorse putting you or anyone else in harm's way, ever. We are already exposed to enough danger moving through our everyday lives. Furthermore, 90% of protestors are not engaging in looting at all. Please don't be stupid, there are ALWAYS alt-right, neo-nazis that show up to these protests to disrupt and poison them. Let me remind you of the Charlottesville rally where a woman was killed by these very people for protesting the murder of the Charleston 9. However, please do not speak to me about being a docile and peaceful negro or fix your lips to disparage our people's anger during this time. There is a saying that says:
"Don't let anyone who ignored your pain tell you how loud to cry."
There is so much more I want to say, but again, I'm having trouble articulating how disturbed I am. I find myself bursting into tears and thinking how peaceful it must be for non-black people to go about their lives without the strain of living this experience. How easy it must be to know you will never encounter the level of hatred and racism black people experience every day.
I know people who WILLFULLY and BLATANTLY want to miss the point while discrediting black pain are quick to utter, "well my life is hard too," but again, we are talking about black lives and black grief, and other people will never know this pain. Never. You are privileged whether you want to acknowledge it or not. If you are uncomfortable by my words, good...unpack that. If you are offended, feel free to never speak to me again, I won't notice I promise. Now, it's on you all. Show the fuck up if you are with us and, if not, get out of the way. We are not protesting for other people to lose their privilege, its not fucking pie. We only want to be allotted the same opportunities that you have been for fucking once. We want space to have peace of mind and thrive too. I genuinely believe that people can inherit trauma, and there is not enough therapy in the world to truly unpack what has been done to us and what continues to plague us as a people. I wish for us to get to a space where we can truly begin to heal. I truly do.
I have many more words and thoughts, but this is where I will leave this. America should be ashamed that people have to go outside and protest for justice when there is a GLOBAL PANDEMIC, primarily affecting those very people. Are we in the twilight zone right now? Black people are outside challenging a corrupt system when we are the hardest hit by Covid-19, and WE STILL march. An atrocity is what that is.
We matter. We always did.
If you're struggling with ways to help, start here: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/